Sunday, January 9, 2011

Why I Love Spam

For the same reason that I will never remove myself from the eHarmony mailing list, I will never allow myself to get too terribly upset with spammers. Because like eHarmony, spam is as funny as you let it be.

Just sitting there in your junk folder showing off its subject line, spam is funny. There are few things more amusing than grammatical errors combined with outrageous promises. It’s like someone who speaks English as a twelfth language trying to pick you up in a bar. It gets to a point where you just have to laugh.

Every morning when I check my email, I scan the subject lines of my junk folder to see what the spam gods have arranged for my amusement that day.

Sometimes, it’s the way the sender’s name works with the subject line:

“CHASE MIRANDA – Watch Your Pounds Disappear!”
(because that Miranda, wow, can she run...)

But more often it’s the order in which the emails came in causing the subject lines to blend and form what I like to call Chunks of Spam. The following are Chunks of Spam that have appeared in my mailbox.

“Certain Asthma Inhalers shown
Exquisite Replica”

(Other asthma inhalers shown cheap and obviously fake crap)

“Eve Mendes’s Secret is Out!
How protected is your home?”

(AAAHHHOMGNOOOO!!! Lockthedoorlockthedoorlockthedoor!!!)

“Top 10 reasons to try
The $10,000 Spring Scholarship”

(One one-thousand, two one-thousand...)

Colon cleansing spam chunks are just... wow:

“Live Longer, clean your colon
Sears Central Air”

“Supersize your blueberries with
Trial Colon Cleanse Sample”

Never underestimate the benefits of learning a new language:

“Want those stretch marks to vanish?
Conquer the language barrier”

and it may be easier than you think:

“Even if you quit your job, you can still
Conquer the language barrier”

Languages not your thing? Fear not, there are many other paths to self-improvement:

“Improve Your Sex Life!
Nursing Assistant Courses Online”

“Stop smoking without any
Patches used in hernia surgery”

“Dish Network - $9.95 a Month
No dieting required”

“Connect to Financial Aid for your
No Cost Trial Membership”

Spam helps us address our health concerns:

“Don’t let health problems affect
500 cards for $5.00”

“Your kidney failure may
Earn generous revenue online”

“men have experienced bigger
Sprouts in as little as 5 days”

improves our online shopping experiences:

“Find cheap alternative to expensive
Personalized Gifts Just For Her”

“Slim 365 targets belly, hip, and
Gift Ideas for Fathers Day”

“How to get every girl to want
A Really Good Gift”

tells us things we never knew we never knew:

“A top team of scientists and medical doctors
Make money at home with Twitter”

“Search Top Culinary Schools
Denture Creams have been found”

“Special Report for Homeowners
Size does matter!”

and in these troubling economic times, spam is here for us:

“Begin a rewarding career with
Secrets of scoring with women”

“Learn how to make a living on
One second on your tongue”

“Get 250 business cards, plus
Secrets of Seduction”

“Wherever you go, hot women
Get paychecks for 250 – 850”

“When Wall Street crashes
We can keep your male instrument”

Yes, there have been many classics left in my junk folder by the Spam Fairy, but the following two are in my mind tied for Best Chunk of Spam in the History of Ever. So I now ask you, friends, to help me out here. Which do you think should take the title of B.C.O.S.I.T.H.O.E? Write-ins are not only welcome but heartily encouraged, if the Spam Fairy has left you something that you would like to share. For now, the candidates are:

“Asbestos exposure is shown to
Enlarge your penis in a safe way”

“Express your feelings in an elegant way
Quit talking and start shagging”

I know. Tough call. But I have faith in you.


  1. Lots of people are impressive records. Also compete usually the particular toasty handiwork.

  2. It is impressive when people take the time to toast their handiwork, we should definitely keep accurate and competitive records of that.

  3. And this, just in, gets bonus points for not only being a three-parter, but for context as well:

    "Hey I thought of you when I saw this amazing
    Order your weather vane here"

    read as I was listening to the hailstones bouncing off my office window.

  4. dude, you guys have hail down there? we've actually got some sun going on up here. it's topsy-turvy world ALL OVER AGAIN!

  5. Oh, we got sunshine and pouring rain in addition to our hail this afternoon. Sunshine DURING the pouring rain and hail. It was quite the afternoon for weather.