Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Word of the Day - reBay

reBay (REE-bey) verb – to sell objects on eBay that were acquired on eBay and use the proceeds to purchase other objects on eBay


“I reBayed those red heels and got a really pretty hat.”

“I spent a little more for that dress than I had planned, but it’s okay, after the wedding I’m going to reBay it for new window treatments.”

“With all the weight I’m losing on the Orange Pith Plan, it seems like I’m reBaying my jeans every week! Thanks, Mother Nature!”

(If you would like to show your love of the environment and support of the arts all in one online shopping experience, please stop by my eBay store. The more I clear out, the more new stuff I can buy to be photographed in. And you’ll be pretty much single-handedly saving the planet at the same time. You like that, right? I know you do. Because you’re a good person.)

Saturday, April 16, 2011

I Like Mick Jagger Better as a Woman

I am not a huge fan of the Rolling Stones. Truth be told, I am not even a moderate fan. What I do seem to be a huge fan of is covers of Rolling Stones songs by female vocalists. It began with Tori Amos covering “Angie”. It was solidified by The Sundays’ cover of “Wild Horses”. And as for “Miss You”? Sorry, boys, but that is a Jane Jensen song now. She owns it and you will never get it back.


Monday, April 11, 2011

Dear Food Network Contestants...

Dear Food Network Contestants,

Contrary to the old axiom, there really is such a thing as bad publicity. The producers may not have explained this to you, but when you appear on programs like Cupcake Wars, Chopped, and Challenge, they tell people your name and the name of the establishment you represent. If you have a substantial private income, complete lack of regard for the opinions of others, and really only cook professionally for funsies, please feel free to stop reading here.

If not, please note that when you appear on national television and behave like a complete bitch/jackass/whiner/pretentious niche market detail-dropping whore/shit-talking back-stabbing unjustifiably cocky bastard with zero concern for health and safety issues, etc., people like me notice. When we notice, not only do we gift you with unflattering monikers such as ‘Bitchcake Von TwatWhistler’, ‘Douchewit McDouchington’ and ‘That Boston Skank’, we also remember your real name, your face, and the restaurant you work for. And add that restaurant to the list of places we will never ever go. And then tell our friends. Who may well in turn tell their friends. And so on.

Just something to think about.

Another thing you might want to think about; deliberately antagonizing Kerry Vincent is seldom a good idea. In fact, I can’t imagine the circumstance under which that would be a good idea. So let me amend that statement to read, deliberately antagonizing Kerry Vincent is NEVER a good idea. It will earn you nothing but an opportunity to look foolish.

And finally, when you don’t win a competition, please do not walk away saying that your loss was due to the fact that the judges didn’t “get” what you were doing. If they really didn’t “get” it, it isn’t because they’re stupid, uncreative and narrow-minded; rather, it’s very likely because not all of what went on in your head made it to the plate. But most of the time, they did indeed “get” it, it just might not have been as good as you thought it was. The ability to accept this gracefully, glean the constructive tidbits from the judge’s critiques, and apply that experience to future endeavors all add up to the state most commonly referred to as “having a pair”, the achievement of which will serve you well both in and out of the kitchen for years to come.

A Viewer

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Fun for the Whole Family!

It has come to my attention that there are some folks on the Internet who have had the tragically bad fortune to not be born into a life that includes magical wishing wells, the right to never ever have anything said to or about them or anyone they know that they or anyone they know might find the least bit offensive in any way, unlimited free ice cream cones, and a pony.

I know. It is very sad. I’ll give you all a moment to collect yourselves.

Now, before your overwhelming compassion and sympathy for these poor souls causes you to fall apart completely, know this; they aren’t just sitting back and taking it. Far be it from them to simply accept the hand that fate has dealt and not seek to improve their lot.

And bless their hearts, they do try. I can understand how nagging the Internet Police into deleting profiles, blog posts and photos that hurt your little feelings would seem like the way to make your life better. I’ve been known to buy truly unflattering shades of lipstick based on similar logic, so please know that I do feel the pain.

And yet... it doesn’t make them happy. Worse, this previously posted content returns. Complete, unedited, reposted again and again. A nightmare from which it seems there can be no escape!

But if you have found your way here, do not lose heart, little ones. There is another way. Instead of running yet another lap around the read/cry/nag/delete/repost/repeat track, you can break the cycle. You have the power. You can...

Get The Fuck Over Yourself.

“...really?” you ask.

Yes, I say.

“But HOW?!” you may wonder.

Well, it is a skill, a skill that must be learned like any other. But when learning is fun, it hardly feels like work at all! Let’s play a game!

Six Degrees of Get The Fuck Over Yourself

Begin at “Of course I can’t just NOT read blogs/belong to online groups/view photo albums that offend me!” From this point of unjustifiable indignation, continue onward over the steppingstones of denial, uncertainty, understanding, acceptance and indifference.

Win by avoiding reading something that offends you, in six steps or less.


Trivial Pursuit – The ‘Get The Fuck Over Yourself’ Edition

- Science & Nature – What substance is it that compels you to read things you know you don’t like?
- History – How long have you been reading these things, and why haven’t you stopped yet?
- People & Places – Why do you visit places where blogs and photos are posted by people that you know you don’t like?
- Art & Entertainment – Aren’t there any blogs and photos you do like that you could be looking at?
- Sports & Leisure – Don’t you have anything better to do with your free time?

Win by answering all of these questions without stomping your feet and throwing things.


SORRY! But You Really Need To Get The Fuck Over Yourself!

Run around the Internet with four pretty, brightly-colored fake profiles. Report lots of blogs and photos. Say “Sorry!” as often and sarcastically as possible. Move forward. Move backward. Move sideways. Say “Sorry!” again, repeatedly. Make no sense whatsoever.

Win by not playing anymore.


Stratego Away and Get The Fuck Over Yourself

You have an army of friends that you’ve never met and that may in fact only be three people with far too much time on their hands, but they look really intimidating when displayed on your profile. Decide that someone is your enemy because their blog or photo offended you. Attack them. Act surprised when the whole thing blows up in your face. Repeat.

Win by admitting you can’t win.


Monopoleeze Just Get The Fuck Over Yourself

Go around to a bunch of profiles that have offended you in the past and report them. Rent out Top Friend spots on your profile to people who promise to report the profiles that offend you in return for reporting other profiles that you’ve never even seen but that offended someone you don’t know but who has rented a Top Friend spot on your profile. Don’t notice that you’re just going around in a big square doing the same thing over and over and over and over and over.

Win by noticing that you’re just going around in a big square doing the same thing over and over and over and over and over.


Clue – Get One and Get The Fuck Over Yourself

After your seventeenth successful deletion of a complete stranger’s profile, someone has crept into your profile and murdered any chance you had of being viewed as something other than a whiny troublemaker who has no understanding of the concept of personal responsibility. Was it a Top Blogger, in the General Discussion Forum, with A Vicious Rumor? A Neglected Friend, in a Romance & Relationships Group, with Personal Information? That One Chick You Keep Poking, in ‘CafĂ© World’, with The Truth About How Much All Those Pokes Bug Her?

Win by discovering that it was You, in Your House, with Your Own Annoying Stupidity.


Life – Get the Fuck Over Yourself and Get One

Put a notebook next to your computer, and keep track of all the time you spend reading blogs you don’t like, leaving comments on photos you don’t like stating how much you don’t like them, telling all your friends how much you don’t like those blogs and photos, and sending repeated requests to the Internet Police to have those blogs and photos deleted. At the end of one week, add up all that time and figure out how many other things you could have done in that same amount of time, like cleaning your closets, taking your dog to the park, detailing your car, talking to people you actually know, going to the gym or remembering your mother’s birthday.

Win by actually doing some of those things instead of reading blogs you don’t like, leaving comments on photos you don’t like stating how much you don’t like them, telling all your friends how much you don’t like those blogs and photos, and sending repeated requests to the Internet Police to have those blogs and photos deleted.

Now, wasn’t that fun?

(This post is dedicated to Eric Brooks, The Official Naked Nurse, The Great State of MANtana, Jesus for Hookers, Randi Athenas, and anyone else who got caught in the Mass Facebook Profile Deletion Spree of April 2011)