Actually, Swiss Colony, Just Shut the Hell Up

When someone says “Swiss Colony”, what is the first thing that most people think of? Yes. Beef Log. The Original Beef Log, in all its cholesterol-laden snerk-inducing double-entendric glory, the cornerstone of the Swiss Colony empire.

(They now also offer Beef Log Lite, but for the sake of our male readers, let’s all just agree to not even go there, okay? You’ll still have the Meat Stick Bonanza, Savory Meat Bits, and Cheesy Sausage Trio to work with.)

Nowadays, Swiss Colony doesn’t just offer you their Beef Log. They have branched out quite a bit, and I now consider the Swiss Colony catalog one of my primary resources for theft-worthy confection and craft ideas. And I will steal from no one but the very best. But this latest catalog has exceeded even my lofty expectations.

There are things in this catalog at a level of awesome never meant to coexist with mere humans. At the risk of angering the gods even further, I share these things with you now.

THE PEANUT BUTTER & JELLY PETIT FOUR

Because, obviously, peanut butter & jelly sandwiches needed to be made more appealing by being miniaturized and covered in chocolate.

And then we have

THE JUNGLE PALS COOKIE TIN

I have one minor complaint here, that being pandas do not frolic merrily in the same terrain as warthogs and monkeys, but overall, I consider this a work of genius, with the leaves being the touch that puts it truly over the top. And on my list of people I’d like to meet before I die, I will be adding “the person who woke up at 2 in the morning with the idea of the warthog truffle.”

And speaking of truffles, what better way to celebrate the imminent return of Spring than with

THE FROG TRUFFLE GIFT BOX

Do I have to say anything more? Okay, I will. I understand why they made these a simple unenhanced chocolate truffle. Because making them mint flavored would have caused the catalog to spontaneously combust from its own awesome and someone would have sued.

And finally

THE ZOO PALS GRIDDLE

I... just... want this. I have no other words.

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(Sadly, the Jungle Pals Cookie Tin & PB&J Petit Fours appear to no longer be available. But the Zoo Pals Griddle, Frog Truffles, and many other bits of candy-coated awesome are available at www.swisscolony.com)