Monday, April 4, 2016

An Open Letter to Home Depot

Earlier today, a friend posted this photo on Instagram:

Now, the fact there is an Instagram that exists, on which my friends can post these things, that is found on the Internet, told me my initial suspicion was correct, but I glanced at the upper right corner of my 27” iMac just in case.  Sure enough, it’s the year 2016.

So I’m sure you can understand my confusion that there is a Man Card available for purchase, that men have earned apparently by virtue of being men, but no corresponding Woman Card that a woman could have earned by being a woman.

In case you can’t understand that, allow me to clarify.

Women make stuff.  We improve stuff.  We build stuff, and repair stuff, and turn stuff from the color the stuff was to the color we want the stuff to be.  And not all of those processes involve Bedazzling and decoupage and nail polish.  Sometimes, they involve lumber and silicone adhesive and power tools and the kind of paint that is found at the hardware store rather than the craft supply store.  Case in point, this:

That is the before-and-after of my most recent project.  That is my bathroom.  I did that all by my lil’ vagina-totin’ self.  There was no man in sight when it happened.  Truth be told, I waited until he was a few states over so I could be sure he wouldn’t get in my way.  Because I wanted to do it my way, I was capable of doing it my way, and I did it my way.

And when it was done, I took a nice bubble bath and gave myself a nice facial and a nice pedicure and bought myself a nice pair of new shoes to celebrate.  That is also doing things my way.

The point is, you are not only being more than a bit misogynistic and insulting by offering a gender-specific card for only one gender, you are missing out on a huge marketing opportunity.  On my friend’s original post, someone observed that there are gender-neutral gift cards available, but guess what?  I don’t want a gender-neutral gift card.  I don’t want a hardware store gift card that ignores the fact that I’m a woman.  I want one that embraces that fact.  I want to feel every bit as happy and comfortable with my femininity while shopping at Home Depot as I do shopping anywhere else.

And I know I’m not the only one.

So, here are a few suggestions for potential Woman Cards that we, as women, have earned by being women.

I look forward to being the recipient of one of these, or something much like them, in the very near future.


A woman who makes, improves, builds, repairs, and changes the color of stuff

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Mason Jar Gifts For & From Guys

Last year, as I was putting together a few last-minute things for the holidays, these happened:

Yes, I jumped aboard the Mason jar gift trend train, whipped up a batch of just-add-water microwave mug cake mix, added some festive fabric and ribbon and a cute little instruction card, and just like that, three gifts done.  For women.

And that’s where I paused.  For women.  It is so easy to do this sort of thing for women.  We love cake that happens in 40 seconds.  We love cute.  We love the little glass Universe of infinite possibility that is the Mason jar gift.

So I said to my best friend, who happened to be nearby and happens to be a guy, “We should do stuff like this for guys.  Guys like stuff in containers, right?  We should do Mason jar gifts for them.”

And so, in this, the season of giving, we give to you a few ideas for simple, meaningful, from-the-heart Mason jar gifts for the guys in your life.

The holidays are a wonderful time to spoil the people in your life.  Just because they might have something every day, that doesn’t mean they won’t appreciate you splurging a bit and letting them enjoy it in a new way.

The holidays can also be hectic for everyone.  A gift that makes everyday chores easier is, ultimately, the gift of extra time with family & friends.

Try to keep your friends’ specific interests in mind when selecting the contents of your jar.

Are they into a healthy and active lifestyle?  Perhaps they’d appreciate something to balance all the treats that appear during the holidays.

Or perhaps something that will allow them to indulge even more.

A nod to someone’s specific pop culture interests is always
a thoughtful gift idea.

As is something that helps them enjoy a favorite hobby even more.

Do you have one of those friends who is always so enviably organized?
Help him stay that way!

Or help him stay closer to the things he loves.

Or help him find them.

Skip the expensive colognes and grooming gift packs that all too often just gather dust on bathroom shelves, give them something
you know they’ll use!

Nothing says “Happy Holidays” like gifts from the kitchen!

Who doesn’t love a sweet treat?  Especially one fresh from the oven.

Or one that takes you back to your childhood.

But perhaps not everyone on your list has a sweet tooth.
Consider a selection of savory gifts as well.

And don’t limit yourself to just Mason jars!
Any sturdy container can serve as an attractive base for your gift,
especially when a few thematic extras are included.

If you’re at a loss for ideas, just remember, your friends are your friends for a reason; you probably have a lot in common.  So you won’t go far wrong giving them something you would enjoy having yourself!

(All photos by Jerry Seeger.  For a more descriptively guy-friendly version of this list, check out his post here.)

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Drought-Friendly Beauty Tips

It’s no secret that California is in a permanent state of not-enough-waterness, but now, it has reached serious bad times.  Shit, as the kids say, just got very real.

The basics, from not watering your lawn and flower garden to wearing your clothes more than once before laundering and, to put it delicately, letting things mellow, are no longer sufficient to keep California running.

(And before you say “well I don’t live there, so it doesn’t matter to me” allow me to point out that yes, it very much does matter to you.  The California Central Valley, on less than 1% of the nation’s farmland, produces 8% of the nation’s agricultural output.  And 90% of the nation’s avocados.  So if you ever want to see your guacamole again, you’ll help us out.)

So today I’m going a bit beyond the basics of water conservation, with a focus on tips to keep you looking and feeling pretty while saving every precious drop of water possible.


- There are a lot of really good cleansing wipes available that can cut a huge amount of water out of your daily face-washing routine.  I personally use DHC Care Make Off Sheets, and recommend them without reservation.  But there are a lot of good ones out there.  Find one that works for you, and use it.

- Good old-fashioned cold cream may just become your new best friend.  Massage it into your face, and wipe it off with a tissue.  Done.  Ponds is a classic that has been around forever because it’s pretty amazing, but if you would prefer to avoid mineral oil, or just feel like being crafty, you can make your own.

- Use sheet masks or peel-off masks in place of cream and clay types that have to be rinsed off.  For sheet masks, I have four different kinds from Epielle, they’re wonderful, and DHC also makes some really good ones.  For a peel-off, Queen Helene Grape Seed Extract Masque is fantastic.

- Rather than powder to deal with midday face shininess, which will just put more stuff on your skin to be washed off later, try blotting sheets.  I use E.L.F.  They’re cheap and effective, and leave my face feeling super soft and non-greasy.


- If you’re fortunate enough to have the kind of hair that can be brushed, you have the drought-friendliest hair possible, because dry shampoos were made for you.  And before you think you have to spend a crapstack of cash and load your head up with chemicals, allow me to let you in on a little secret; the two best dry shampoos on the planet do not come from the drugstore, they come from your kitchen.  Cornmeal or finely ground oatmeal are all you need.  Take a handful, massage it into your scalp to pick up excess oils and break up styling products, and brush it out.  If you have a backyard, do your brushing out there, since these are completely compostable/biodegradable, and you won’t have to sweep up afterward.

- If you, like me, have the kind of hair that simply doesn’t tolerate being brushed, try a few spritzes of rosewater and some good scrunching in place of regular shampooing.  It smells nice, it’s antibacterial, and the moisture should refresh your curls and tame your frizz sufficiently to allow you to be seen in public.  It’s pretty cheap, but if you have access to a lot of rose petals, it’s also pretty easy to just make your own.

- Buns, ponytails, braids, generally any hairstyle other than “standing proud on a hilltop flowing in the breeze” locks will cut down on how often you need to shampoo.  Try some.  You might be surprised how much you like them.


- Swap your shower razor for an electric and shave whatever you need to shave before you even turn the water on.  You can get one for $20 or less.  It will be worth it.

- On the subject of showers, the time for delicacy is past so I’m just going to be blunt here: yes, pits & bits needs to be washed regularly, but is the rest of that epidermal acreage really as high-maintenance as you’re making it?  Do you really need to be showering every single day?  Obviously, if you have a sweaty/dusty/grimy job, then yes, you probably do.  But if you’re working in an air-conditioned shop or office, how dirty are you really getting?  Would a good sponge bath with a couple of body wipes not work just as well every other day?  And don’t even worry about wasting your money on specialty adult washcloths, I’ve tried them and most really aren’t worth it.  Use baby wipes.  They’re gentle, they’re effective, and they are MUCH less expensive.  You can get a huge box at Costco for around $24.

If you have any other beauty-related water saving tips, I would love to hear them.  Sharing is caring.  We’re all in this together, for the avocados.  

Saturday, January 24, 2015

O (Miss) Canada

This morning, a friend posted a link to this article on my Facebook page, the whole point of which is, clearly, this photo of Miss Canada decked out all to hell and back for the Miss Universe pageant.

Enough people have voiced enough mixed opinions that I just wouldn’t be me, as a pinup, a woman with all the deepest respect for showgirls, and a hockey fan, if I didn’t chime in with my two cents.

First off, it’s the fucking Miss Universe pageant.  If you are looking for subtlety, understatement, or restraint, you clearly missed a memo.  That group meets at The Gap on Thursdays at noon.

Second, we wouldn’t likely be having this conversation in the first place if the rest of the universe were even trying.  It is not.  A representative from Earth has won every single year from 1953 right up to 2013, and I have absolutely no doubt that we will take the 2014 title as well.  I also have absolutely no doubt that with very little effort, Jupiter could knock the crazy crown right the hell off anything past Miss Universe contestants have come up with.

But back to the here, and the now, as I break down element by element my feelings about Miss Canada’s hockey-themed ensemble, starting at the top.


What the actual literal living breathing everfucking fuck are we being asked to believe here?  To paraphrase the great Guy Fleegman, do you guys ever watch the game?  Assuming it were somehow possible for the score in any game to be 20-14, it certainly wouldn’t be any game with only two penalties at the beginning of the third.  I get you wanted 2014 in there with bright lights and special effects, but do your research.


I am not going to lie to you, I now want a Stanley Cup tiara.

(Insert snarky you’re-a-Sharks-fan-you-want-a-Stanley-Cup-any-way-you-can-get-it comments here.  Now shut up, Paul.)

That headpiece is a thing of beauty.  The wig looks like snowdrifts, for crap’s sake, how do you not love that?  And much as some people may not want to admit it, the shape of the Cup lends itself beautifully well to inclusion in a full-blown showgirlesque headpiece.


Those shoulder and elbow pads are perfectly executed.  Big enough to make the point they’re meant to make, stylized enough to not take anything away from the fact that this is, after all, one of the most beautiful women in the world wearing a Miss Universe version of protective gear.


A certain Snidely McSnarkerpants likened this aspect of the outfit to “a crazy hot rod exhaust system.”  Well, sir, you might want to look a bit closer because, when you do, what you will see is a highly stylized and frankly really clever riff on the evermore-outrageous-every-season angel wings seen at the world-renowned Victoria’s Secret fashion show.  Those sticks are brilliant.


Yes, the original article was justified putting quotes around “jersey” in this instance because it is, after all, not a jersey, for two reasons.  The first being, the word you want is “sweater”, and second, again, it’s the fucking Miss Universe pageant.  So yes, she’s wearing a sparkly pageant version of the Team Canada uniform.  Do you know why?  Context.  Wearing anything even remotely true to the original, in this context, is what would have been truly ridiculous.

Third, have you seen the body on that girl?  She could have gone much further with that part of the outfit and accented every single damn one of her curves.  Instead, all she did was push up her boobs and keep the rest structured, somewhat blocky, more reminiscent of, oh I don’t know, an actual Team Canada sweater complete with protective gear underneath.  Something like that.


Truth be told, the net loses me.  I see what they were going for, but they didn’t get there, and I’m left reminded of Carol Burnett in Went with the Wind.  If they had framed it in a way that more closely mimicked an actual hipline, that would have been better.  Better still would have been to scrap the white satin and use the same net they used on the headpiece.  Better even more on top of that would have been to scatter a few Swarovski crystals over the whole thing.  Not a lot, just enough to keep it pageant-like.  And lose the pucks, they just don’t work.

Or, change the Team Canada corset to an underbust and throw in some puck pasties.  I don’t know exactly how much you can get away with at the Miss Universe pageant, that might be pushing it.  Or it might not.  Either way, now I want puck pasties to go with my Stanley Cup tiara.


And the boots.  I also want the boots.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Why You Totally Need Facebook’s Newest Post Scheduling Feature

Recently, I noticed another round of the sluggishness, inconsistency in performance, and general nonfunctional bullshittery that always accompany Facebook working behind the scenes in preparation of rolling out new “features”.  Facebook’s definition of a “feature” is “OMGHOLYWOW new thing you didn’t even know you wanted until we gave it to you you’re welcome enjoy!” whereas the rest of us tend to define Facebook “features” more in terms of “major drawback and hindrance to basic functionality and could you seriously please just fucking stop changing shit on pages because you’re not doing anything anybody really wants done and this is not how you’re going to encourage us to actually start paying for this service okaythanksbyenow”.

But this new feature could very well be the best thing that has ever happened to anyone.  Because where last week you could only schedule things in advance to post to your page, now you can backdate things that you post on your page.

Yes.  Read that again.  No longer are you limited to merely posting random crap in real time, or blithely setting up your page features to post Monday through Friday at 9:00, 12:00 and 3:00 so you can go outside and interact with the real world.  No no no, baby bears, those days are far behind you now.  Because now you can make it look like you posted things before you really did.

This is the greatest thing since Time Travel Face BagAre you feeling the possibilities here?!

Someone has already laid claim to the right to backdate to 3000 BCE her post about having discovered gravity, so we’ll have to let that one go, but there are so many other potential applications for this technology.

You can post blasé excerpts from the review you wrote of Sleater-Kinney’s Dig Me Out dated long before a single episode of Portlandia was even filmed.

In a status backdated to 7:30 a.m. February 1, 2004, you can make a cryptic reference to just not feeling right about Janet Jackson today.

Think of the stock tips you could share, the celebrity breakups you could predict, the people you could totally fuck with by posting spoiler alerts of their favorite shows before the episodes even aired.

Want to know who dies on Game of Thrones?  Okay, I’m pretty sure the answer is “everybody” but now you can list the deaths in order before all your friends!

The more I write, the more frightened I become by the power of this technology.  I retract everything I have said here.  No one should ever use this feature.

Seriously.  No one.  Ever.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

The Bourbon & Butterscotch Zombie Slayer Bundt

This is my fourth year observing National Bundt Cake Day by baking an original recipe cake, and as there has been in the three years prior, there is a near & dear emotional tie to the cake I’ve chosen.

The first year saw my Tiramisu Bundt, a farewell baking as one of the last things I made in the tiny apartment kitchen that was home for almost fifteen years before we bought a house.  The second year gave me the Avenging Dark Chocolate Bacon Scourge Bundt of Doom, vengeance for a wrong done to a dear friend by a food blogger during the previous NBCD festivities, and also to vent some of my frustration at the 2012-13 NHL lockout.  Last year, I honored through Bundt a precious girl who I only knew for a short time but who will live in my heart forever, Chiquita the Pitbull.

This year, I had no idea what I wanted to bake, so I put out a call on my Facebook page for suggestions, requests, etc.  And while I deeply appreciate every single person who takes the time out of their Internet life to stop by my page (seriously, you gals & guys all rock), I was particularly grateful that the first person who chimed in with a request was my dear friend Paul who, in addition to all his other amazing qualities as a human being, adopted Chiquita and gave her the best, most loving home she could have ever hoped for during the last stage of her not-always-easy life.

Paul requested a Bundtification of butterscotch pudding.  I added bourbon because I like bourbon and it goes well with butterscotch.  And I dubbed the end result the Zombie Slayer because this is Paul’s cover photo on his Facebook profile, a responsibility he takes quite seriously.

Paul, my friend, this is for you.  Because I love you even if you are a Red Wings fan.


The Players


1 cup dark brown sugar, packed
1/4 cup cornstarch
1 tsp salt
1 vanilla bean
2 cups milk
1 cup heavy cream
3 egg yolks, beaten
1/4 cup unsalted butter
1 tbsp bourbon

1- In a small bowl, mix the brown sugar, cornstarch and salt together with a fork until they’re well blended.  The cornstarch makes it really easy to spot & remove your brown sugar rocks, so do that.  You don’t want rocky pudding.

No rocky pudding

2- Split & scrape your vanilla bean into the brown sugar mix.  I once heard a rumor about some woman who waited to start working with her vanilla bean until her dairy was already on the stove and rapidly coming to a boil.  Her vanilla bean was just a smidge dry and decided to be stubborn, and things got really hectic really quickly.  So don’t be like that woman I once heard that rumor about when she was making this cake that I just made up today, okay?

3- Once your vanilla bean is added to your brown sugar mixture like a sane person would do it, add 1/4 cup of the milk to the bowl and stir until you have a loose paste.

4- Pour the remaining milk and the heavy cream into a large saucepan, and bring to a boil over medium-high heat.  While it’s heating is a good time to separate your eggs, beat the yolks in a small bowl, and stash the whites in the fridge for that superhealthy breakfast you’re going to have tomorrow to compensate for all the cake you’re going to eat tonight.

5- When the milk/cream mix is boiling, add the brown sugar mix, return to a boil and cook for one minute, stirring constantly.

6- Remove the milk mixture from heat.  Quickly stir about half a cup of the milk mixture into the egg yolks to temper them, add the yolks to the saucepan, stir well, return to heat and cook for one minute, stirring constantly.

7- Remove from heat.  Add the bourbon and butter and stir until the butter is melted.  Pour into a bowl, cover, and refrigerate for about an hour to cool it down before you start making the cake, it needs some time to thicken or it will slop all over the place while you’re trying to get it in a nice neat circle atop your cake batter.

8- Don’t even pretend you’re not going to lick the spoon.  And the saucepan.

mmm, pudding...


2 3/4 cups flour
1 1/2 cups sugar
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
1/4 tsp ground cayenne
1 tsp Chinese Five Spice
1 cup unsalted butter, softened
4 eggs
1/2 cup milk, at room temp
1/2 cup heavy cream, at room temp
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 tbsp bourbon

1- Preheat oven to 325, and prep Bundt pan by either greasing & flouring or nonstick-spraying, depending on how lazy you feel.

2- Combine milk and heavy cream in a measuring cup and set aside. 

3- Combine flour, salt, baking powder, cayenne, and Chinese Five Spice in a medium bowl with a fork or whisk until well blended, and set those aside too.  Set them near the dairy so nobody gets lonely.  Lonely ingredients are sad ingredients, and sad ingredients make sad cake.  Nobody wants that.  Do you want that?  No.  Nobody does.

4- Break out the mixer.  In a large bowl, beat the butter on medium until smooth.  Add the sugar about 1/4 cup at a time and, scraping the sides of the bowl as necessary, beat for about 5 minutes until it’s nice and fluffy.


5- Still mixing on medium, add the eggs one at a time, beat for about 30 seconds after each, then add the vanilla and bourbon and beat for another minute until everything is combined and smooth and delicious-looking.

6- Drop the mixer speed down to low.  Retrieve your dairy and dry ingredients from wherever you set them aside.  Nod and smile as they share all the wonderful topics of conversation they covered whilst on their set-asideage.  Assure them it’s all very wonderful but the time has come for them to become part of a larger whole.  Starting and ending with the dry mixture, alternate adding dry & dairy to the mixing bowl, beating only until blended after every addition, scraping the sides of the bowl and beaters as necessary.


1- Retrieve your pudding from the fridge.  It likely won’t be completely firm, but as long as it’s partially set, it will be fine for the purposes of filling the cake.  Pour it into a gallon-size plastic bag and close the top.  Have your kitchen shears or clean food-safe scissors handy, you’re going to have to work a bit quickly very soon.

mmm, pudding again...

2- Retrieve your prepared Bundt pan, and spoon slightly more than half of the cake batter into it.

3- Here’s where it gets interesting and you’re going to have to move faster than you have been (she says, after living the joys of pausing throughout this process to take pictures; I reeeally don’t recommend that.).  Using a tablespoon, create a trench for the pudding in the center of the batter.  You’re going to have to push the batter up the sides of the pan a bit to accomplish this, and all that wonderful non-stickery we opened the cake-making part of the recipe with is going to work against you as the batter tries to slide back down the side of the pan almost as soon as you’ve pushed it up, so as soon as you have a discernible trench, grab your plastic bag of pudding, smoosh the pudding away from one corner, cut that corner open, and pipe the pudding into the trench as quickly and neatly as you can.

4- You’re NOT going to fit all of the pudding into the cake.  You’re going to have extra pudding.   Probably about a cup.  Oh no.  Extra pudding.  You can cry about that later.

5- Once you have filled your cake trench with pudding, top the pudding with batter carefully by spooning batter around first the outside edge of the pan, then the center, blending it over the top of the pudding and making sure the edges of the pan are sealed while pressing down as little as possible.  Pressing down will cause the pudding to splort out of the nice little cake trench you put so much time and effort into making.  Don’t let pudding splort undo all the good you have done today.

Stages of Awesome

6- Put the cake into that nice preheated oven and bake for 60 minutes.  When it’s done, it will look like this, and smell even better.  Dear eight pound six ounce newborn baby Jesus does this smell good.  Just… stand there and inhale for a minute.

Smells. So. Good.

7- Allow the cake to cool in the pan on a cooling rack for about 15 minutes, then turn it out onto a cake plate.

8- Realize that you really needed a more substantial pudding trench and slightly less pudding in it because the top of your cake has gotten saturated with pudding and disintegrated in the turning-out process.  Drop a few F-bombs, slam a few utensils, realize there’s nothing you can do about it now.


Or is there…?

We have a saying in my family: When faced with adversity, kill it with fire.


2 tbsp flour
2 tbsp dark brown sugar
2 tbsp butter
1 tsp ground cayenne
1 tsp Chinese Five Spice

1- In a small bowl, blend all ingredients except fire with a pastry blender or fork until you have a coarse crumble.

Prepared to kill it with fire

2- Arrange the crumble atop your aesthetically-questionable but still awesome-smelling and going-to-be-great-tasting cake, adding a bit extra to the most pudding-hampered and structurally weakest areas.

3- Torch the shit out of it until it totally looks like this is what you planned all along, the flour is toasted, and you have brûléed enough sugar to reestablish sufficient structural integrity on the top of your cake to support a light layer of glaze.

Fuck you, adversity.

4- Let that all cool off a bit while you make the glaze.


2 tbsp butter
2 tbsp powdered sugar
3 tbsp bourbon

1- In a small saucepan over medium heat, melt the butter.

2- Add the powdered sugar, increase heat to medium-high and stir until the sugar is dissolved and the mixture just starts to bubble.

3- Add the bourbon one tablespoon at a time, stirring constantly and allowing the mixture to get back up to bubbling temp after each before adding the next, and while NOT leaning over the saucepan at such an angle that you get a blast of bourbon fumes right up your nose when you add each tablespoon.  Unless you’re into that sort of thing, in which case absolutely do that.  When all the bourbon has been added, continue the bubbling and stirring until the mixture has thickened slightly.

4- Remove from heat and continue stirring until the bubbling has stopped, and then for about a minute more.

5- Drizzle glaze over the top of your rebuilt cake.  Let cool before serving.

All's well that ends well


All was far from lost here.  This actually tasted really good even if it did in fact end up looking more like a slain zombie than a tribute to the zombie slayer.  So, to perfect it next time:

1- You know your oven has been acting up.  You need to fix that ASAP.

2- The extra spices in the “killing adversity with fire” stage of preparation worked really well to balance the sweetness of all the butterscotch and bourbon.  Since we do not plan on repeating that step in future bakings, double the amount of cayenne & Chinese Five Spice in the batter to compensate.

3- Less pudding.  I really hate it when I have to put words like “less” in front of words like “pudding” but that’s just how it has to be.  I tried to put too much pudding in the cake and I paid dearly for my gluttonous greed.  Cutting the recipe by 2/3 will probably net the right amount of pudding.  Or make the full amount and have a lot of extra pudding.  Oh no.  Extra pudding.  Sadness now.

The End :)

Monday, November 10, 2014

The Most Comprehensive List of Halloween Candy & Alcohol Pairings Ever Written

Shortly before Halloween, a Facebook friend posted a link to an article titled “7 WinesTo Pair With Your Favorite Halloween Candy”.  My thought at first glance was “OH HELL YES” because while the consumption of sugar and alcohol may for some be an enjoyable pastime, for women in their forties it is an invaluable survival technique that can never be too refined.

Sadly, I quickly noticed a lot of things very wrong with this article.

First, the proclamation, in all caps no less, NO CANDY CORN.  Because, you know, it’s only been around since the late 1800’s and you can absolutely denigrate its standing as a Halloween tradition without anyone telling you to just go ahead and fuck right the hell off now okay bye.


Second, all of her pairings were flavors with like flavors.  Which is not only unimaginative but, as a food professional, she really ought to know better than to create an entire list of nothing but one-note desserts.  Watch any episode of Chopped and see how fast they call you out on that crap.  One-note food is not food anyone wants to keep eating.

Third, the headline claimed it had matches for “your favorite Halloween candy” which is, frankly, unmitigated bullshittery given the number of trick-or-treat classics that were not on the list.  Snickers, for example, was not on the list.  Snickers is the fucking gold standard of Halloween candy, barely edging out Milky Way and Twix, which were also not on the list.  So this article got major points off for incomplete work.

Finally, I get that the woman doing the matching is a master sommelier, but not everyone drinks wine with everything.  Not just this article but so many others like it limit their alcohol imaginations to wine, and there are a lot of other adult beverages out there that deserve representation in this type of research.

So, in the spirit of pairings, I paired up with my very best friend in the whole wide world, Jerry from Muddled Ramblings & Half-Baked Ideas, to compile a truly complete, thoroughly researched, genuinely useful list of the tastiest ways to get hammered while plowing through your kid’s Halloween loot or all those bags you picked up half price on November 3.

Sometimes we started with the candy and worked backward to the drink, sometimes the other way around.  But rest assured each one of these combinations has been personally tasted by us and verified to be pretty frikkin’ awesome.

You’re welcome.

It all starts with a well-equipped research facility


This pairing was so obvious in retrospect that we were literally angry at ourselves for not immediately realizing how perfect it was and trying other things with absinthe first.  It’s alcohol you’re specifically supposed to add sugar to before you drink it.  Peeps don’t pretend to be anything other than pure sugar.  Add your preferred amount of water to your absinthe sans sugar, and dunk your Peeps.  This is everything good about childhood and adulthood all in one sitting.


The “NO CANDY CORN” haters can seriously just suck it.  This combination tastes like orange pound cake with the added advantage of taking longer to chew and consequently staying in your mouth and on your taste buds longer than cake does, and they’re missing out on all of that.  They don’t deserve to have this.


Much as I tend to shy aware from novelty bottles, this was reviewed well enough that I had to grab one for this particular research project.  I’m very glad I did.  Not only was it totally thematically relevant to the task at hand, it’s one of the tastiest bottles you’re likely to find in its price range.  The website promises flavors of cinnamon, cola, and black pepper, all of which are present and perfectly compliment milk chocolate and vanilla nougat while mitigating the potentially cloying experience that Charleston Chew can be if not handled properly.


Butterfinger is one of those things that can very quickly become overwhelming in its own awesomeness, and you want something to alleviate that without taking over completely.  Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum is ballsy enough in its own right to stand next to Butterfinger in a t-shirt that reads “Yeah, I’m Sailor Jerry” without the two coming to blows.  Its 92-proofness cuts easily through BF’s dense chocolaty buttery nutty morass, leaving behind a strong hint of cinnamon that is not at all ashamed to step up and say “You know what would go great with me?  Another Butterfinger.”  It’s basically the Trick-or-Treat circle of life.


Remember that one time you said “gee, I sure wish peanut butter & honey sandwiches were 60 proof candy bars, if only that could be”?  Well, achievement unlocked.  Congratulations.

My partner-in-research crime is not as crazy about this combination as I am, but that has more to do with him not liking the Sweet Tea vodka than any issues with the pairing itself.  Because the pairing itself tastes like chai, if chai were chewy on the inside and slightly crispy on the outside and 60 proof.  I think soothing beverages would be far more soothing if they were all like that.

Yes, I know what you’re thinking.  I opened this article calling out someone for being boring and pairing flavors with like flavors.  But I’m only doing it this one time, because soda-flavored candy and soda-flavored alcohol is basically just a crunchy soda.  That will get you drunk.  And mixing the non-root beer-flavored Bottle Caps with root beer-flavored booze is charmingly reminiscent of being a kid and mixing a little of each different kind of soda from the fountain like we all used to do.  With the addition of getting you drunk.  The vodka is not quite as sugary and considerably more potent, but the hard root beer replicates the soda-drinking experience better, so pick your priority and drink accordingly.


Like candy corn, the peanut butter kiss is another Halloween classic that is sadly far too often denigrated or overlooked.  Which makes no sense to me because these things are awesome.  But the combined powers of peanut butter and taffy really need something to mitigate them, and Guinness is the right tool for the job.  First, the malty, earthy flavor creates a perfect backdrop for a salty-sweet candy without calling too much attention to itself.  Second, it’s cold, bubbly and, for all its dark stoutness (and not at all in a bad way), somewhat watery, thereby creating the illusion of quenching thirst.  Third, it’s only 126 calories a bottle, so you can eat the whole bag of kisses in a single sitting without guilt.  Which, you know, I’ve heard some people do that.


Everybody knows that chocolate and raspberries go together like raspberries and chocolate.  What needed to be kept in mind here is that while a candy shell doesn’t add much as a flavor component, it does add another level of pure sugar.  Vodka, while also not adding much as a flavor component, does add burn.  So candy shell and vodka burn mysteriously elevate each other while simultaneously cancelling each other out, and chocolate and raspberry live happily ever after as they’ve been doing pretty much since the dawn of time.

Let me just state for the record that I am fully aware this combination has absolutely no fucking right to work.  None.  Seriously.  It is an abomination in the eyes of all that is sacred for milk chocolate-covered sweet fruit and a beverage that describes itself as “dessert in a bottle” to even be able to coexist in my house without random instances of spontaneous furniture combustion.   But it does.  Raisinets have an underlying tartness that you don’t always notice while you’re eating them but is what makes it so easy to finish the entire box before you even realize you have.  The same goes for this bottle.  So the sweetness of the chocolate hits the tartness of the wine as the sweetness of the wine hits the tartness of the raisins and on it goes until they’re both gone and you have no idea what just happened but it was really really really good.

If Cinnabon were alcohol, it would be this.  Just make sure you get the Hot Damn 100 Proof, otherwise it’s like if Cinnabon were alcohol but the trainee at the counter put on 6 times more icing than they were supposed to.  But if you get the stronger stuff, it has the perfect amount of spice and burn to bring out all the sweet buttery best in the Sugar Babies.


Mint is tricky, primarily due to its attitude being “because fuck you, I’m mint” when put in the same space as any other flavors.  Chocolate is basically the denim of candy, it goes with any and everything without fuss, perfectly content in the knowledge of its indispensability.  But try to add anything else to the mix, and mint gets its back up and comes out swinging.  Mint is seriously a little bitch like that.  Pinnacle Whipped Vodka works perfectly by adding a flavor that’s actually less of a flavor than a creamy backdrop to mint’s diva-esque insistence on hogging the limelight.

Everything you love about Rocky Road, with the added benefit of being 60 proof!

As a child of the 70’s, I have a deep abiding fondness for and loyalty to the desserts of my youth.  One of those desserts is the Bavarian Jello Mold.  It was everything both right and wrong with that decade; loaded with sugar, in colors and textures that nature never intended food to be, and very very wiggly.  Skittles and Marshmallow Vodka recreate that experience beautifully, with the advantage of a new fruit flavor with every bite, instead of every 4 to 6 hours or overnight for best results.


Similar to the Payday-Bärenjäger pairing, this duo brings out all the very best that peanuts and honey together can be.  The Jim Beam Honey, however, has more kick and bite to it than the Bärenjäger, making it a more suitable companion for a milk chocolate-covered bar.  Baby Ruth is much like Butterfinger in that regard, it needs a drink that isn’t just going to sit there and let it take over.


No alcohol & candy-pairing research project could commence without a bottle handy that says “Unruly” right on the label.  It helped that it was on sale and got really good reviews, but it had to be included just for the name.  Fortunately, since even we wouldn’t waste your candy-eating time on just a cool name, it’s amazing with peanut M & M’s.  The website promises “tropical fruit with a hint of spice, massive flavors of pineapple, vanilla cream and Meyer lemon”.  The spice and vanilla aren’t as discernible as the Unruly marketing department would have you believe, but they are not kidding about the pineapple and Meyer lemon, and that’s what works here, all that pineapply citrusy goodness holding hands with the peanuts while the dryness of the chard keeps the chocolate and candy shell sweetness in check.


Neige Apple Ice Wine is my new favorite thing.  It’s a big bold beautiful blast of appley goodness, crisp and sharp and sweet in that just-ripe-fruit-that’s-not-too-sugary way.  So all on its own, it’s the majority of what’s right with the world, and unfairly awesome as so many things Canadian are.  Paired with Heath Bars, it’s the rest of what’s right with the world.  These flavors compliment each other so perfectly it’s almost scary.  It’s like apple crumble with chocolate sauce.  Which is like silk-lined footie pajamas for your taste buds.  So basically I can die now.

You’ve got your fruitiness paired up with the sweetness of the coconut, and your spiciness paired up with the bitterness of the dark chocolate, and your whiskiness chaperoning the whole little dance to make sure no one flavor starts to think it’s running the show.  The end result is very very comfortable.  Which is all Martin Wilkes Heron ever wanted for you.

When we started this project, we cautioned ourselves against the dangers of assuming that, just because two candies seemed almost identical on the surface, they would pair well with the same drink.  Rolo & Maker’s works for two reasons.  First, because bourbon’s inherent spiciness goes well with the relative neutrality of milk chocolate and caramel.  Second, because, much as Maker’s devotees will argue otherwise, it is not the smoothest bottle out there, and that slight harshness is actually necessary to cut the sugariness of Rolo caramel, which is definitely more sugary than buttery.

Right about now you might be thinking “well, if it goes with Rolo, it must go with Milk Duds!”  Which is precisely what we thought but, in the interest of thorough sciencing, we had to test that hypothesis before including it in our final report.  And it proved not true.  What proved true was

Milk Duds are far less sugary and far more buttery than Rolo, and all of that was drowned out by Maker’s Mark.  Milk Duds wanted something considerably smoother.  Milk Duds wanted to be wooed by the 80 proof equivalent of a rakish smile and a white linen suit.  They wanted a little vanilla, a little ginger, they wanted romance.  And that is precisely what they got from Bacardi.

At this point, my lab partner said “you know, Bacardi hasn’t made any promises, Bacardi isn’t committed here, Bacardi is just having fun and there’s no reason why Bacardi can’t change partners for the next dance.”  The next dance was


There is a lot to be said for this combination, most of which rhymes with “reminiscent of piña coladas with bonus points for chocolate”.  This was Jerry’s preferred pairing, and it was really really good.  I would endorse it unconditionally had I not discovered just a few moments earlier the almond joys of


With Almond Joy & Bacardi, the spotlight is on the coconut, which is not a bad thing at all, but there is more to an Almond Joy than coconut.  Specifically, there is almond.  While there is enough citrus in the Patrón to enhance the sweetness of the coconut without making it any sweeter than it already is, what really works here is the smokiness of the tequila bringing out all the very best of everything we know and love about almonds and bringing them to the forefront of this candy-eating experience where their name insists they have every right to be.


Another paring that was so obvious in retrospect that we kicked ourselves a little before settling down to just enjoy it for the crisp, bubbly, fruity delight that it is.  Make your G&T sans citrus.  The Nerds are your citrus.  It’s genius.  Gin genius.  Ginius.  Yes.  That.


We thought this one would be easy.  We thought “pfffffffffft, no problem, everybody knows dark chocolate & red wine, we can match this in our sleep.”  Then Hershey’s Special Dark giggled its evil little Village of the Damned giggle and proceeded to elude us at every turn.  Which is not to say it was bad with the few wines we tried it with, but the combinations were always just a bit too tangy or too acidic or too sweet in the wrong way or or or or or to make us really say “WOW, yes, this, THIS is what you do with Hershey’s Special Dark.”  Then I said to myself, “You need to forget this dedication to drunken debauchery for a moment, and think about your relationship with dark chocolate and what makes it work.  Specifically, think about your jaw-droppingly amazing dark chocolate cupcakes.  What makes them as special as they are?”  Then the fog lifted and the clouds parted as I said “The answer is espresso.”  And the answer to Hershey’s Special Dark is coffee liqueur, with enough vodka to tame the sugar and allow the bitterness of both the chocolate and the coffee to shine.  Even Jerry, the dedicated tea drinker who doesn’t even like coffee, was in complete agreement on this one.

But all was not lost in our attempts to pair Special Dark with red wine because we just happened to have a bottle open when this happened.

Shiloh Road Cab always gets very mixed reviews, for whatever reason it’s just one of those things that people either love or hate.  I’ve always liked it, and when I saw it on sale during the pre-research alcohol purchasing binge, I grabbed a couple of extra bottles just to have, even if it didn’t ultimately become part of the document you’re now reading.  But then it did because Halloween is all about being a kid again, and the combination of this cab’s slight jamminess and even slighter chocolatiness with the maltiness of the Whoppers makes it like the 21-and-over equivalent of a PB&J and a glass of Ovaltine.


Twix is very close to being nature’s most perfect food.  The things that keep it from claiming that title are the milk chocolate being just a smidge too sweet, and the cookie center not being almond shortbread.  Then in walks Disaronno like the Botticelli of liqueurs, and Twix, from a sea of sugary chocolate and somewhat bland crunch, emerges as the goddess of balanced sweetness and almondy beauty we always knew it could be.

Chewy gummy candy wants something sharp and bubbly to keep your mouth from just giving up and folding in on itself from the chewy gumminess of it all.  Our first thought was, of course, champagne, but that didn’t work here as well as we’d anticipated.  Gummi Bears of all flavors have two things in common; they are all insanely sweet, and they all taste vaguely like pineapple and citrus.  The sharpness of the apple in this cider cuts through the sweetness and stickiness of the bears, with the ginger standing by to enhance their pineapple-and-citrusness.

And speaking of ginger standing by to enhance things,


Holy mother of tits this is amazing.  It’s like if you went trick-or-treating and all your neighbors were handing out chocolate-covered Thai food.  Since peanut butter and ginger are two of the best things that ever happened to having taste buds, and cold beer is one of the best things that ever happened to being thirsty, all of these things combine to become several of the best things that ever happened to being a grown-up at Halloween.

But getting back to what champagne goes with,


Dots manage to best even Gummi Bears in the arena of gummy sticky sweetness, but I’ve always had and likely always will have a fondness for them.  Part of it is because I remember them being sold in the vending machine at the bowling alley where I went as a kid, and what candy-and-booze-paring article would be complete in its sheer classiness without at least one reference to a bowling alley?  As with GB’s pineapple-and-ginger-ness, Dots of all flavors also have one flavor in common, what culinary pros refer to as oh-dear-God-so-much-sugar-ness.  Champagne is the right answer here, but clearly you do not want to waste the good stuff on a Halloween candy binge.  My go-to when I want chuggable-without-regard-for-expense bubbly is Mumm Napa Brut Prestige because it’s really dry and I like really dry.  But in the interests of staying as classy as we’re trying to be here, I’ll let you in on something I discovered last year; for the price, Kirkland champagne is reeeeally fucking good.

This combination works for many of the same reasons the peanut M & M’s/Unruly chard pairing does.  Peanuts and citrus play very well together and, Hershey’s miniatures landing as they do at the very sugary end of the spectrum, the acidity of the grapefruit works wonders to balance the borderline-overpowering sweetness of the chocolate, with the yeastiness of the beer adding a sort of peanut butter sandwichy note to the whole thing.


Yes, again with the chocolate & raspberry pairing, but there’s a reason it’s been around since the Earth first cooled.  BECAUSE IT’S AWESOME.  However, different chocolate calls for different applications of raspberry and, while the Hersey’s Milk Chocolate Mini is indeed a trick-or-treat staple, there is no denying it is not the greatest chocolate ever made, and its sugariness and waxiness need to be addressed and compensated for.  The slight sourness and acidity of raspberry lambic handles the first problem, and the carbonated coldness makes quick work of the second.

In our Halloween-candy-purchasing binge, all signs pointed to Hi-Chew having usurped the position formerly held by Starburst as the go-to for fruit chew candies, so it’s what we grabbed for this project.  Hi-Chew was developed as an alternative to gum for people who don’t want to be stuck with gum when they don’t want to chew it anymore, and all the flavors do have a distinct chewing gum taste even though the individual fruit flavors are clearly discernible.  Hakutsuru draft sake, light clean simple beverage that it is, worked really well with all four Hi-Chew flavors, sitting peacefully in the background and letting its floralness wash gently over their different fruitinesses.  The whole thing is pretty Zen.

The thing about Snickers is that there are a lot of things about Snickers, and they’re all happening at the same time.  You’ve got the sweetness of the chocolate, the maltiness of the nougat, the saltiness of the peanuts, and the butteriness of the caramel, all vying for your attention and triple-dog-daring you to try to add another flavor to the mix without bringing the whole thing crashing down on your head.  Vanilla approaches each of the existing flavor components as the beautiful individual that it is and says “let me compliment you” while the vodka addresses the crowd as a whole and says “I will kick all of your asses if you don’t find a way to get along”  with just the right amount of its gloriously all-inclusive burn.

This is like a caramel apple without all the pesky health benefits of eating fruit.  Woodchuck Granny Smith is super tart, which is so perfect with the sweetness of all that milk chocolate and caramel, and the crispy rice mimics the apple-eating experience so well that, if you close your eyes and really focus, you can almost convince yourself you actually are eating fruit.  If, you know, that’s what you’re in to.


Allow me to say two things before I go any further.  First, I agree that in the realm of red interpretations of licorice, Red Vines are superior to Twizzlers in flavor, texture, and overall likeability, but Twizzlers are the more common trick-or-treat offering so that’s why they were included here.  Second, yes, read that paring description again and know that I am joining you as you say slowly to yourself “what exactly the actual fuck am I being asked to believe here?”  I wouldn’t believe it either if I hadn’t tried it, but these two things work together really well, and the reason is two-fold.  First, the chewiness of Twizzlers is of the bland bready sort.  Second, behind their gummy fruity sugariness, Twizzlers have a slight saltiness to them.  It’s their secret weapon superpower, the thing that keeps you eating them when all tests of reasonableness insist you should have stopped long ago.  That bready saltiness meets up with the nuttiness of the Newcastle and creates in your subconscious a sense of beer & pretzels, even as you’re absolutely sure there are no pretzels anywhere nearby and you should cease this insanity at once.  It’s haunting and unsettling and oddly addictive.  Try it at your own risk.

Poor Kit Kat spent the majority of this research in the always-a-bridesmaid corner.  We’d try it with something and say “oh yeah, that’s good” then try that something with something else and say “yeah, sorry Kit Kat, this is waaaaaay better”.  But patience is a virtue and will be rewarded, as it eventually was for Kit Kat in a classic case of opposites attracting.  Where KK is light, the stout is heavy; where she is airy, the stout is dense; where her chocolate is sugary, the stout’s is dark and slightly bitter.  These two balance each other perfectly, and complete each other in that totally-right-not-at-all-flashy-see-you-on-your-50th-anniversary kind of way.


Milky Way created a very Snickers-like dilemma, a lot going on and a high risk of crash & burn if another flavor was added to the existing sweet-malty-buttery mix.  Fortunately, about a hundred years ago, a bartender in New York inadvertently helped us out by creating the Brandy Alexander, which is basically what you’re eatdrinking here.  And yeah, there’s a reason it’s been around for a century.  Go try it, we’ll wait.  Actually, no we won’t, because you’re not coming back.


3 Musketeers was another that we thought would be easy, and was actually the very last thing we were able to match.  We must have tried it with half a dozen things without ever finding That Certain Something.  Everything we tried with 3M worked fine with the chocolate part of it, but the nougat was sort of left in the “meh” corner, which is bad news for a bar that’s mostly nougat.  A couple of different reds were close, but it still needed something more.  That’s when I broke out the glögg mix, and magic ensued, because red wine was only the first part of the answer.  The second part was spice.  Turns out all the nougat ever wanted was cinnamon and cardamom and pepper to raise it out of its chewy slightly corky blandness, which is really not so much to ask for all that it gives in return.  What it gives in return is a truly magical cross between mulled wine and Mexican hot chocolate, and if that doesn’t sound like one of the best things you could ever hope for, then you and I probably shouldn’t be friends anymore.


1- Skittles, particularly the yellow ones, make a really good palate cleanser between bouts of chocolate-eating.

2- Kit Kat almost made it out of the always-a-bridesmaid corner earlier in the research by being paired with Blueberry Passion Schnapps.  This is not an ideal pairing as it ends up being incredibly sweet, but it does taste a bit like chocolate blueberry pancakes, and for that reason we deemed it worthy of annotation.

3- For our glögg, I used Saturnus Glögg Mix and Bogle Merlot, and can recommend that combination quite highly, but there are a lot of good wines and glögg recipes out there, so we encourage you to experiment.

4- You may notice, in reading over this list, the omission of both Crunch and Krackle.  This was not an oversight on our part, nor was the omission deliberate.  We just could not find anything that went with either of these well enough to be included here.  So if you have any suggestions for either of these, please feel free to leave them in the comments.