Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Are You SURE You're Not a Really Bored Gay Canadian?

“Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.” – Mark Twain

Anyone reading this who claims to have never taken a stupid Internet quiz, please leave now, because I’m pretty sure you’re a liar. We all have. They draw you in and beg to tell you things about yourself that you would never learn otherwise. I cannot even begin to tell you how well I sleep now, knowing that, should this unfortunate sequence of events ever find its way to me

We need to know these things, and the Internet Quiz is the best and often the only way to discover them.

However, while the Internet Quiz is indeed invaluable in determining what type of socks you are, which of Batman’s enemies you most closely resemble, what your stripper name should be and whether or not Edward Cullen would fall in love with you, there are some things you not only should not rely on an Internet Quiz to determine, but really shouldn’t even need to consult one to aid you in the first place.

Whilst skimming through MySpace’s Quizzer App, I happened across a number of quizzes that, on the strength of the titles alone, brought to mind a bit of dialogue from ‘Family Guy’, a conversation between Brian and his rather-easily-distracted-by-all-things-shiny girlfriend, Jillian:

Jillian: How do I know if I'm Jewish?
Brian: Are you Jewish?
Jillian: No.
Brian: There you go, sport.

I believe the same line of reasoning can be applied in place of the quizzes created to determine the answers to the following questions:

- Are you gay?
- Are you Canadian?
- Are you really bored?
- Do you hate the Jonas Brothers?

There you go, sport.

Now, there was a quiz on the list that concerns me a great deal, because what you might think is a simple question with an obvious answer is just not the case. That quiz is, of course, ‘Do You Like Money?’ You are probably thinking, as you read this, “well sure, of course I like money.” And that is the wrong answer. People fight about money all the time. The two biggest relationship killers known to humankind are sex and money. If you had more sex and less money, you’d be much happier.

Besides, like of money is the root of some evil. You know that.

So, dear friends, loyal readers, complete strangers and hapless souls who stumbled in suspecting that they might be really bored gay Canadians and hoping to settle the matter for good and all, I am here for you. Remove this evil from your life. Help me help you. The ‘Donate’ button is in the sidebar.

And once that’s done, and you feel so much better about yourself and your life and everything that the future holds, come back and let me know if you’ve ever learned anything interesting about yourself from an Internet quiz.

(Velociraptor graphic courtesy of  Sadly, the quiz itself it no longer available.  Maybe if we all go buy bunk beds, they'll bring it back.)

UPDATE! Anne was kind enough to inform me that the Velociraptor quiz can be found here. Thank you, Anne!


  1. Te resemblance IS almost frightening...

    Actually, no. The resemblance is definitely frightening.

  2. I realize that this was a while ago, but I feel the need to post anyway and say that the raptor quiz can be found at the webcomic, 'The Oatmeal'.

    You're excellent and terribly amusing, by the way. Keep up the good work!

  3. Anne, thank you, and THANK YOU! Post updated with link to quiz, we NEED to know these things!

  4. Oh, thanks! I'm glad I was able to help. I believe that the world will only truly move forward when everybody figures out EXACTLY how long they'll be able to survive chained to a bunk bed with a raptor.

    It is, of course, something that might happen to anyone.