It has come to my attention that there are some folks on the Internet who have had the tragically bad fortune to not be born into a life that includes magical wishing wells, the right to never ever have anything said to or about them or anyone they know that they or anyone they know might find the least bit offensive in any way, unlimited free ice cream cones, and a pony.
I know. It is very sad. I’ll give you all a moment to collect yourselves.
Now, before your overwhelming compassion and sympathy for these poor souls causes you to fall apart completely, know this; they aren’t just sitting back and taking it. Far be it from them to simply accept the hand that fate has dealt and not seek to improve their lot.
And bless their hearts, they do try. I can understand how nagging the Internet Police into deleting profiles, blog posts and photos that hurt your little feelings would seem like the way to make your life better. I’ve been known to buy truly unflattering shades of lipstick based on similar logic, so please know that I do feel the pain.
And yet... it doesn’t make them happy. Worse, this previously posted content returns. Complete, unedited, reposted again and again. A nightmare from which it seems there can be no escape!
But if you have found your way here, do not lose heart, little ones. There is another way. Instead of running yet another lap around the read/cry/nag/delete/repost/repeat track, you can break the cycle. You have the power. You can...
Get The Fuck Over Yourself.
“...really?” you ask.
Yes, I say.
“But HOW?!” you may wonder.
Well, it is a skill, a skill that must be learned like any other. But when learning is fun, it hardly feels like work at all! Let’s play a game!
Six Degrees of Get The Fuck Over Yourself
Begin at “Of course I can’t just NOT read blogs/belong to online groups/view photo albums that offend me!” From this point of unjustifiable indignation, continue onward over the steppingstones of denial, uncertainty, understanding, acceptance and indifference.
Win by avoiding reading something that offends you, in six steps or less.
Trivial Pursuit – The ‘Get The Fuck Over Yourself’ Edition
- Science & Nature – What substance is it that compels you to read things you know you don’t like?
- History – How long have you been reading these things, and why haven’t you stopped yet?
- People & Places – Why do you visit places where blogs and photos are posted by people that you know you don’t like?
- Art & Entertainment – Aren’t there any blogs and photos you do like that you could be looking at?
- Sports & Leisure – Don’t you have anything better to do with your free time?
Win by answering all of these questions without stomping your feet and throwing things.
SORRY! But You Really Need To Get The Fuck Over Yourself!
Run around the Internet with four pretty, brightly-colored fake profiles. Report lots of blogs and photos. Say “Sorry!” as often and sarcastically as possible. Move forward. Move backward. Move sideways. Say “Sorry!” again, repeatedly. Make no sense whatsoever.
Win by not playing anymore.
Stratego Away and Get The Fuck Over Yourself
You have an army of friends that you’ve never met and that may in fact only be three people with far too much time on their hands, but they look really intimidating when displayed on your profile. Decide that someone is your enemy because their blog or photo offended you. Attack them. Act surprised when the whole thing blows up in your face. Repeat.
Win by admitting you can’t win.
Monopoleeze Just Get The Fuck Over Yourself
Go around to a bunch of profiles that have offended you in the past and report them. Rent out Top Friend spots on your profile to people who promise to report the profiles that offend you in return for reporting other profiles that you’ve never even seen but that offended someone you don’t know but who has rented a Top Friend spot on your profile. Don’t notice that you’re just going around in a big square doing the same thing over and over and over and over and over.
Win by noticing that you’re just going around in a big square doing the same thing over and over and over and over and over.
Clue – Get One and Get The Fuck Over Yourself
After your seventeenth successful deletion of a complete stranger’s profile, someone has crept into your profile and murdered any chance you had of being viewed as something other than a whiny troublemaker who has no understanding of the concept of personal responsibility. Was it a Top Blogger, in the General Discussion Forum, with A Vicious Rumor? A Neglected Friend, in a Romance & Relationships Group, with Personal Information? That One Chick You Keep Poking, in ‘Café World’, with The Truth About How Much All Those Pokes Bug Her?
Win by discovering that it was You, in Your House, with Your Own Annoying Stupidity.
Life – Get the Fuck Over Yourself and Get One
Put a notebook next to your computer, and keep track of all the time you spend reading blogs you don’t like, leaving comments on photos you don’t like stating how much you don’t like them, telling all your friends how much you don’t like those blogs and photos, and sending repeated requests to the Internet Police to have those blogs and photos deleted. At the end of one week, add up all that time and figure out how many other things you could have done in that same amount of time, like cleaning your closets, taking your dog to the park, detailing your car, talking to people you actually know, going to the gym or remembering your mother’s birthday.
Win by actually doing some of those things instead of reading blogs you don’t like, leaving comments on photos you don’t like stating how much you don’t like them, telling all your friends how much you don’t like those blogs and photos, and sending repeated requests to the Internet Police to have those blogs and photos deleted.
Now, wasn’t that fun?
(This post is dedicated to Eric Brooks, The Official Naked Nurse, The Great State of MANtana, Jesus for Hookers, Randi Athenas, and anyone else who got caught in the Mass Facebook Profile Deletion Spree of April 2011)