Guys I Would Not Instantly Not Leave My Guy For

There are moments in our household when I have occasion to say “You should be aware that if Suchandsuch McSoandso were to ever show up on our doorstep and ask me to run away with him, I would pause a moment before I said no”. Because I’m honest like that. And, contrariwise, I know if Cameron Diaz were to ever show up on our doorstep with a similar question, I would see The Guy do some pausing of his own. Fair’s fair.

So now that you know who my real competition is, I present to you...

The Guys I Would Not Instantly Not Leave My Guy For

The Blecha Brothers, Jake & Justin

(aka “the totally hot plaid-wearing bearded carpenters from Cupcake Wars”)

 

If you watch Cupcake Wars, you already know what I’m talking about. If not, allow me to elucidate. The final battle of the cupcake war requires each contestant to design a display that is thematically relevant, stylish, and able to hold a thousand cupcakes. In two hours. That’s where Jake and Justin come in. Using hastily scribbled outlines of grandiose concepts from the minds of bakers whose understanding of carpentry seems at times barely equal to the task of building a rectangle out of squares, Jake and Justin build miracles. Ever encouraging and optimistic in the face of even the most unreasonable of requests, they listen patiently to what people say they want, glean from it the truth of what people really want, take that truth to the place where what you want meets what you can have, and not only make if happen but make it happen in time for the paint to dry. In two hours.

This is like the workshop equivalent of a guy asking you what’s wrong, you saying “nothing”, and him figuring out on his own what is actually wrong, saying all the right things without being prompted, repeatedly refilling your wineglass without being asked, stenciling Hello Kitty graphics on your bathroom walls to cheer you up, doing the dishes, picking up the dry cleaning, feeding the cat, screening calls from your mother and bringing you Chinese food, all the while reassuring you that absolutely nothing about anything in your life is making your ass look fat. And all the while continuing to wear plaid, have a beard, and be totally hot.

In two hours.

David Caruso

It speaks to not only the uniqueness but magnitude of his charisma that I am willing to continually overlook the forensic absurdities, forced dialogue, inexplicable insistence on the use of 5 SUVs to transport 6 people from a single office to a single crime scene, blatant emotional manipulation, complete disregard for the basics of investigative procedure, and fantastically over-engineered technical displays that are CSI: Miami, for the simple pleasure of seeing David Caruso for an hour.

Even if most of that hour is spent watching him peer cryptically through his sunglasses in darkened rooms only to remove said sunglasses when going outdoors to better convey, as only squinting cryptically in full sunlight can, what it is to be Horatio Caine, just a man, one man doing what little one man can against all the evil that Miami can spew, it is an hour well spent.

Actually, because of that it’s an hour well spent. Because he is David Caruso, and no matter what he does, he will be David Caruso doing it, and that will make whatever it is instantly and vastly superior to anyone else’s feeble attempt at performing the same action.

And like Miss Turkey’s bikini and The Rembrandts’ oft pined-for lost love, that’s just the way it is.

San Jose Sharks Goaltender Antti Niemi

Do I even need to explain the appeal of a large man who spends his work hours carrying a stick and determinedly deflecting dense objects hurled across slick surfaces at dangerously high speeds by other equally large stick-carrying men while thousands of people scream in the background?

Okay, I will. The appeal is, your worst day has nothing on that. Some guys get pissy if you so much as snap at them to get their feet off the coffee table and stop leaving their boxers on the bathroom floor. A guy like Niemi? Your most banshee-like rants are cool waters burbling softly over age-smoothed rocks on tree-lined banks in a land that time forgot compared to what he just came from. He doesn’t need 40 pounds of gear to protect himself from stories of how much you hate Sheila in HR. You could throw a blender at his face and he’d just bat it away without even looking up from his video game.

“But”, the quibblers among you may protest, “surely you could say the same about many NHL goaltenders?”

Perhaps I could. But I do not, for two reasons. First, I am a San Jose girl loyal to my local boys. And second, Antti Niemi has a really really cute nose.



And the guy I would have to pause the longest before refusing to run away with should he ever ask...

Iron Chef Masaharu Morimoto

“Because he’s frikkin’ Morimoto.” –Alton Brown, in response to having witnessed yet another feat of unmitigated awesomeness on 'Iron Chef America'

There’s really not much I can say that Alton Brown hasn’t already summed up in that single quote. Masaharu Morimoto is, quite simply, cooler than most human beings realize it is even possible to be, much less stand a chance of ever being.

Give him a jar of Skippy, some Smuckers and a loaf of Bimbo Pan Blanco, he can make a five-course meal out of them before you can even finish making a sandwich, even if you don’t bother taking the time to cut the crust off.

He looks better breaking kitchen equipment than the rest of us do when using it properly.

Oh, and he can sing, too.

Yeah, Alton. What you said.

How Dudeman Von Randominternetguy Dares to Talk to You Like That

Not long ago, I received a FB request to be friends with someone I had never met before, never heard of, and had no discernible connection with. To preserve said new friend’s anonymity, I’ll call him Dudeman Von Randominternetguy. And since that’s difficult to type, spell, pronounce and remember, from here on we’ll just refer to him as Steve.

I accepted Steve’s friend request because there was no real reason not to. It’s a social network, and I’m there to be social. I also understand it’s my job to establish and maintain my boundaries on said social network, not Steve’s job to establish them for me or read my mind to figure out what they are. So, when Steve got a bit fresh and forward, I gently but firmly let him know that I’m only that kind of girl for one person and he isn’t it.

(Note to Interns: “Fresh & Forward” as name for progressive combo Burlesque/Farmer’s Market traveling seasonal roadside attraction. Make it happen, please.)

Steve retreated, and it was a non-issue from that point on. All he needed to hear was that his approach from that direction was not welcome.

Now, even when I receive friend requests from people that I’m pretty sure are only sending them because I’m naked on the internet, I still like to at least skim their profiles and see whatever is to be seen, and such was the case with Steve. I skimmed, found a few things that looked intriguing (assuming they’re true), and didn’t see any cause to immediately delete him from my friend list and block him for all eternity. I did, however, see something that I felt needed to be addressed, so this is me, addressing it.

A young woman, who we shall call Blondie McMiniskirt, had posted a rant on Steve’s wall, calling him out for having the audacity to send her a friend request when it was clear that all he wanted to do was chat with random women on the internet, that he just made her sick, how dare he be such a stain on the otherwise unbesmirched landscape that is online social networking, how could he sleep at night when he was single-handedly ruining a better tomorrow for all the children of all the lands with his unmitigated scumbaggery, etc.

Please note that Blondie McMiniskirt’s profile picture showed her as a heavily made-up blonde sprawled open-legged on a barstool, pretty obviously inebriated, posed to show a rather large amount of cleavage, and said miniskirt had barely made its way to crotch level before refusing to budge an inch further. And she was deeply offended by the idea that a guy on a social networking site might want to network her up a bit.

So, to Blondie McMiniskirt and the many women like her, I have a few things to say.

First, when you put yourself in a public forum, you actually don’t get to choose who with internet access and properly developed corneas finds you attractive. Beauty is, as they say, in the eye of the beholder. If you don’t like that idea, consider not posting a picture of yourself where other people can see it.

Second, when a man does let it be known that he finds you attractive, you do not immediately have to morph into Ultra Mega Icy Venomous Rage of Death Laser Bitch Ray to deter his advances. Sometimes, yes, but not always and certainly not first. Consider trying a gentle but firm “no, thank you” next time.

Third, look at your profile photo and ask yourself this question: “Is this the way I dress/pose/act, at bars/at clubs/on Spring Break, when I’m trying to get laid?” If the answer is yes, you’ve pretty much forfeited the right to be surprised when random internet guys hit on you. Which is not to say you’re obligated to have anything to do with the aforementioned guys, just that you can’t realistically be surprised when they try.

When Writers Cohabitate

I was in the kitchen, doing kitchen things, when that familiar voice called from down the hall, “I just used the penultimate Kleenex.”

Present facts? Check. Lay groundwork for escalating suspense and potential consequences for inaction? Check. Use big words? Check.

This is the Novelist’s Way. Never say “Hey, next time you’re at the store, buy some tissues” when you can instead say something like “I just used the penultimate Kleenex” and arrive at the same end.

My mind absorbed what had been said and what course of action was necessary, then began considering the possibilities created by the phrase ‘penultimate Kleenex’; that so blindly reached for to catch what you could not know was close to the final tear you would ever cry in this lifetime, the thing that holds the second to the last sorrow of the human heart.

This is the Poet’s Way. Needing to go to the grocery store to buy tissues is as much a part of the human condition as anything else, and should be immortalized in poetry as such.

This is what happens when writers cohabitate.

Or maybe it’s just us.

All Those Curves and Me with No Brakes

I will never, ever, no matter what the years may bring, ever cancel my email subscription to eHarmony. Not because I think I will need their services anytime soon, or even anytime late; I’m quite happy where I am and have every intention of staying here.

But I will keep my eHarmony subscription, if only for the blog fodder they so generously throw into my open and eager arms. Just when I am at a loss for something to bash, there they are, with an email that I simply cannot resist reading. Today’s eHarmony offering was

"Pickup Lines That Actually Work"

Now, I have always been of the opinion that if you want to meet someone, you should do something really ridiculous like, oh, I don’t know, introduce yourself. Crazy, they call me, but something in my head continues to insist that this is a reasonable idea. And eHarmony does not disagree with me on this point, surprisingly enough.

However, on their list of ‘Six Pickup Lines That Actually Work’, this was Number Six. And not even the real Number Six, but buried in the paragraph dedicated to “Can I buy you a drink?” and suggested as a last resort in case you were somewhere that drinks were not available to be bought. This and #4 ('What kind of dog is that?' as a conversation starter) are, as far as I’m concerned, the only two reasonable options on the list, and I find it more than a bit disturbing that the most honest and straightforward of all the Pickup Lines That Work is the last thing they suggest you try.

The first thing they suggest you do is lie.

Yes, eHarmony’s #1 Pickup Line That Works is:

“Aren’t you Laurie James?”

when you know damn good and well that the person you’re talking to isn’t Laurie James, and you don’t even know anyone named Laurie James. #3 is “Don’t I know you from spinning class?” when, again, you know you don’t know that person from spinning class. So eHarmony’s idea of a good way to meet people is to lie and pretend that you already know them.

#2 on eHarmony’s list is:

“Nice shoes.”

Now, this is a great way to start a conversation, but the downside to this as a pickup line is that if you compliment a woman on her shoes, it means you have noticed her shoes, and if you make it known that you have noticed her shoes, she is probably going to assume that you’re gay.

But that’s vastly preferable to what she’s likely to assume if you use Pickup Line That Works #5, which is:

“I just got out of a Mexican jail.”

What? I’m sorry, what? This is the latest version of What Women Want To Hear? Where have I been? When did ‘recently released from prison in a foreign country’ become a sought-after quality in a potential mate? Or is the logic here supposed to be women will assume that if Mexican jail didn’t frighten you, a committed relationship won’t either?

Whatever happened to things like “Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.” At least with that, everybody knows exactly where they stand.

What NOT To Ask On a First Date

Once upon ages ago, I signed up for my 3 month free trial at eHarmony, then proceeded to never do anything with it. But the great thing about eHarmony is that they will always be there for you. Always. Always. Once they have your email address, you have a friend for life.

While I have no need of their services, it is at this point easier to just delete their emails than to convince them not to send any more. And once in a while, they actually send something with a subject line that catches my eye, an email that I read and feel I have gained something from the reading experience. Yesterday, I received one of those. The subject line was:

“5 Things it’s NOT Okay to Ask”

Well, could I resist reading that? Of course not. So read it I did, and it turned out to be an article listing 5 things you should not ask on the first date if you have any interest at all in a second date.

Articles of this type are like warning labels; they do not come into being until after someone has already done the stupid thing against which we are being cautioned. It was with this in mind that I read the article, the knowledge that enough people have asked these 5 questions on enough first dates and been met with enough resounding date failure that someone finally felt intervention was necessary. The 5 Questions are as follows:

1 - “So what’s your marriage timeline?” Yes, I agree, a bit pushy for a first date.

2 - “How old are you?” I disagree, I think this is acceptable ‘getting to know you’ material, but that is just one woman’s opinion and that woman doesn’t work for eHarmony and get paid to write these articles.

3 - “What are you into in the bedroom?” Hmm... yeah, save that one for the second date.

5 - “Where have you been all my life?” I wasn’t aware that people actually said this in real life, but apparently they do. And on the first date. To me this seems like the verbal equivalent of holding a knife to your date’s throat and screaming “YOU MUST LIKE ME NOW!” There just is no right answer, and I was on the verge of agreeing with eHarmony’s advice to not ask this when dear Liz added the following, redefining what this question may really be asking:

"... No really, why haven't I ever run into you, are you an assassin? Is this a trick? ANSWER ME, ASSHOLE!”

She may be right, and if you even suspect that she is, I would recommend asking this question as early in the evening as possible, preferably before you get into a car with your date.

Now, you may be wondering why I skipped Question 4. I did so because I wanted to save the best for last. I wanted to clear the stage of all the other players and shine the spotlight directly on what I consider to be the real star of this article.

According to eHarmony, it is not considered the done thing to ask your companion on the first date:

4 - “Can I borrow $1000?”

What? The hell you say! Really? It’s not appropriate to ask a relative stranger for a large sum of money at a first meeting? Well, that’s disappointing...

eHarmony really believed this needed to be put in writing. They limited this article to 5 questions that shouldn’t be asked on a first date, and they felt this needed to be one of them. That people needed to be told this. And I have difficulty believing they were running out of things to say and pulled a question out of someone’s left sock because “4 Things it’s NOT Okay to Ask” just didn’t have the same ring to it. They had reason to think that people needed to see this in print. And the reason that first comes to my mind is the warning label theory; people actually did this so often that someone finally had to say “Okay, enough.”

So, if you or anyone you know has ever asked this question on a first date and wondered why the answer you received sounded suspiciously like the tires of your date’s car squealing as they exited the parking lot at what some might consider an unreasonable speed, well, there you have it. This is just NOT OKAY. Remember how NOT OKAY this is next time you are sitting across the table from someone you might want to keep in your life for longer than ten minutes. If you really find yourself at a loss for words, go with the lesser of two evils and ask where that person has been all your life.

(Oh, and in this same email, amidst all the tips, tools and techniques for building and maintaining a healthy relationship, was the link to enter eHarmony’s “What Happens in Vegas” Sweepstakes. So, if you slip up and suddenly find yourself with some free time and needing a way to make a quick $1000, fear not, they’ve got you covered.)