Thursday, January 6, 2011

All Those Curves and Me with No Brakes

I will never, ever, no matter what the years may bring, ever cancel my email subscription to eHarmony. Not because I think I will need their services anytime soon, or even anytime late; I’m quite happy where I am and have every intention of staying here.

But I will keep my eHarmony subscription, if only for the blog fodder they so generously throw into my open and eager arms. Just when I am at a loss for something to bash, there they are, with an email that I simply cannot resist reading. Today’s eHarmony offering was

"Pickup Lines That Actually Work"

Now, I have always been of the opinion that if you want to meet someone, you should do something really ridiculous like, oh, I don’t know, introduce yourself. Crazy, they call me, but something in my head continues to insist that this is a reasonable idea. And eHarmony does not disagree with me on this point, surprisingly enough.

However, on their list of ‘Six Pickup Lines That Actually Work’, this was Number Six. And not even the real Number Six, but buried in the paragraph dedicated to “Can I buy you a drink?” and suggested as a last resort in case you were somewhere that drinks were not available to be bought. This and #4 ('What kind of dog is that?' as a conversation starter) are, as far as I’m concerned, the only two reasonable options on the list, and I find it more than a bit disturbing that the most honest and straightforward of all the Pickup Lines That Work is the last thing they suggest you try.

The first thing they suggest you do is lie.

Yes, eHarmony’s #1 Pickup Line That Works is:

“Aren’t you Laurie James?”

when you know damn good and well that the person you’re talking to isn’t Laurie James, and you don’t even know anyone named Laurie James. #3 is “Don’t I know you from spinning class?” when, again, you know you don’t know that person from spinning class. So eHarmony’s idea of a good way to meet people is to lie and pretend that you already know them.

#2 on eHarmony’s list is:

“Nice shoes.”

Now, this is a great way to start a conversation, but the downside to this as a pickup line is that if you compliment a woman on her shoes, it means you have noticed her shoes, and if you make it known that you have noticed her shoes, she is probably going to assume that you’re gay.

But that’s vastly preferable to what she’s likely to assume if you use Pickup Line That Works #5, which is:

“I just got out of a Mexican jail.”

What? I’m sorry, what? This is the latest version of What Women Want To Hear? Where have I been? When did ‘recently released from prison in a foreign country’ become a sought-after quality in a potential mate? Or is the logic here supposed to be women will assume that if Mexican jail didn’t frighten you, a committed relationship won’t either?

Whatever happened to things like “Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.” At least with that, everybody knows exactly where they stand.


  1. Naw, even the mirror comment doesn't work. I look terrible in cullotes.