Monday, April 11, 2011

Dear Food Network Contestants...

Dear Food Network Contestants,

Contrary to the old axiom, there really is such a thing as bad publicity. The producers may not have explained this to you, but when you appear on programs like Cupcake Wars, Chopped, and Challenge, they tell people your name and the name of the establishment you represent. If you have a substantial private income, complete lack of regard for the opinions of others, and really only cook professionally for funsies, please feel free to stop reading here.

If not, please note that when you appear on national television and behave like a complete bitch/jackass/whiner/pretentious niche market detail-dropping whore/shit-talking back-stabbing unjustifiably cocky bastard with zero concern for health and safety issues, etc., people like me notice. When we notice, not only do we gift you with unflattering monikers such as ‘Bitchcake Von TwatWhistler’, ‘Douchewit McDouchington’ and ‘That Boston Skank’, we also remember your real name, your face, and the restaurant you work for. And add that restaurant to the list of places we will never ever go. And then tell our friends. Who may well in turn tell their friends. And so on.

Just something to think about.

Another thing you might want to think about; deliberately antagonizing Kerry Vincent is seldom a good idea. In fact, I can’t imagine the circumstance under which that would be a good idea. So let me amend that statement to read, deliberately antagonizing Kerry Vincent is NEVER a good idea. It will earn you nothing but an opportunity to look foolish.

And finally, when you don’t win a competition, please do not walk away saying that your loss was due to the fact that the judges didn’t “get” what you were doing. If they really didn’t “get” it, it isn’t because they’re stupid, uncreative and narrow-minded; rather, it’s very likely because not all of what went on in your head made it to the plate. But most of the time, they did indeed “get” it, it just might not have been as good as you thought it was. The ability to accept this gracefully, glean the constructive tidbits from the judge’s critiques, and apply that experience to future endeavors all add up to the state most commonly referred to as “having a pair”, the achievement of which will serve you well both in and out of the kitchen for years to come.

A Viewer


  1. dude, i came up with a good one the other day: Oldy McNotYoung.

  2. Which is not only awesome but gets bonus points for serendipitous truncation; in the sidebar it shows up as "Oldy McNotYou" ;p

  3. Liz you kill me. Harlean: I know exactly who you speak of and I NEVER get her shit. EVER! Who wraps strings with NORI and then turns their bridge on it"s side? Well maybe lots of people but they would do it with style and humor. Who does buy her crap and where on earth, or how on earth, did she even get invited to that show>????


  4. If we're thinking about the same person, yeah, I'm all but certain she is invited to be on the programs primarily because she does stir up drama. But she's not the only one who pulls the "THEY JUST DON'T GET MEEEE!" crap, lots of people seem to think they lose simply because they haven't been gotten.

    The other thing I love (that I neglected to mention in the original blog post for some reason) is the people who have specialties that are all but impossible to make work within the time frames given for a competition, and then whine about how they're at such a disadvantage. I feel more and more like Guy from 'Galaxy Quest' every time I watch 'Cupcake Wars'.

    "... do you guys ever WATCH the show?!"