Thank You, from the Bottoms of My Heart & Underwear

Dear Kotex,

The other day, in between bouts of crying over old Calvin & Hobbes comics, screaming obscenities at the neighbor’s dog, Lamaze-breathing my way through paralyzing cramps and consuming every pork product within reach of the couch I refused to leave because of my unshakable belief that the whole world did indeed really care about the monstrosity of a pimple that had sprouted on my chin, I was lamenting just how boring my period has become.

I mean, really. After thirty years, I have to admit the thrill is gone.

So I’m sure you can imagine my reaction to seeing a commercial from your “Take a Stand Against Bland” campaign. Yes, I’ve tried to assuage the boredom of this monthly burden with rollerblading, field frolicking, interpretive ice dance and many of the other activities my previous feminine protection products have assured me they laugh in the face of, but I hadn’t even considered the gathering of a group of my peers to vandalize public property while playing The Ettes at high volume as a possible course of curative action.

And, awesome as that is, it’s not even the part I’m really really excited about.

Just the idea that a piece of absorbent material glued to the crotch of my underwear that no one else ever sees and I myself spend most of the day wanting to not remember is there at all could have pretty colors and swirly designs is, frankly, something I never would have even hoped for.

And now, you have made it a reality. A reality that at long last explains the nagging sense of being somehow unfinished whenever I leave the house accessorized with only the basics of earrings, scarf, purse, anklet, toe ring, hair flower and whatever perfume I believe olfactorily continues my chosen color scheme.

Lo these many years, I have neglected to properly accessorize my vagina during the few days of the month when it is doing everything it can to remind me that it is still there for all of my carrying-on-the-human-race needs. The only comfort I can take is in the knowledge that I am not the only one, and that now, those days can easily be behind me forever.

I really don’t know how to thank you.

Sincerely,
A Consumer

POTENTIAL ICK-INDUCING “T.M.I. THING YOU DON’T LIKE TO THINK ABOUT BUT THAT I CONSIDER MEDICALLY NECESSARY TO MENTION” POST-SCRIPT:

If the unmitigated inanity of this entire concept isn’t enough to make you not use these products, please consider this; changes in the color of menstrual flow and/or vaginal discharge can be a sign that something is wrong and needs to be checked out. Not having these things on a solid white surface just makes them more difficult to recognize. For that reason, I personally consider these products unsafe and would not use them even if they weren’t such a blatant insult to my intelligence. I strongly urge anyone considering using these products to please keep that in mind.