Funny Lines Other People Wrote

From things you may not even have realized you were only hurting yourself by not reading.

You’re welcome.


“My mom eventually realized that it was her maternal duty to step in and discipline me when I did things like strike the baby Jesus repeatedly with a blunt object, so she tried to pull herself together and send me to my room.” -Allie Brosh, Hyperbole and a Half

“I would agree with you if it didn't taste like two angels fucking.” -Cooking for Assholes, on being told that the One-Upmanship Cooknie was overkill

“Explain to me why, at twenty-eight, on a Saturday night when my peers are out sloshing it up with their Zimas and shimmying their hula hoops about to their Dan Fogelberg, I am in bed in pain?” -Liz Markus, chocolate murdercakes

“You know it’s a different kind of croquet when you have to worry about breaking a window or hitting the bust of Lenin.” –Muddled Ramblings & Half-Baked Ideas, ‘Real Sports’

“I’m not sure you can see me from the lofty heights of Castle Moral Superiority, perched as it is on Mount Impeccable Humor, but I’m giving you the finger, you fucking twat.” -ZOMGscience.net, ‘In Which ZOMGscience Enters Into Polite Discourse with Critics’

The Real Difference between ‘5 Hour Energy’ and My Morning Coffee

My morning coffee does not taste like someone decided to put their ass in a blender after spending the previous night sliding naked through a dumpster full of diet pudding, plastic fruit and waterlogged copies of Cat Fancy.